New Years rEVOLutions….a little late March 10, 2008

So im starting to realize what I need and what I want are virtually one in the same. I need someone to love me and care for me the way I want someone to. I need someone to be a Spiritual Leader for my life the way I want someone to. I need to have a connection with someone with whom I will never get tired of being friends with they way I want someone to. You see, in the course of my life I have slowly begun to realize the differences between needs and wants. I want to make a difference but I need to start with myself. The more interesting I feel myself to be the more people will see that in me and realize I am the difference. Life is funny. You aren’t looking for something then all of a sudden it hits you. You realize you know exactly what you want…and it just so happens to be what you need. Im not saying I need a relationship to make my life great. My life is already great. I need someone who will love and support me in all I do and be there for me when I am in my most vulnerable state. I need that in my life and it doesn’t help that I want it as well. I need for one person to show to me that they aren’t like all the rest of the guys. I am putting my past behind me and starting fresh. I can’t waste time dwelling on what went wrong in the past or what my flaws are. I have to accept myself as I am and realize that I am an amazing individual who is going to make a difference in someones life. I have done that. This is a new begining and a new look on life. Here’s to 2008….its going to be great….I can already tell!

 Oh! and an update….my exciting news (well part of it at least…) is that I am now the STATE PRESIDENT of the College Dems in my state….its quite exhillarating and exhausting all at the same time!

 Looking Forward…

L

changes. February 26, 2008

where to begin? the past few weeks have been a whirlwind of change, relaxation, sickness, and chaos. Im not sure where to begin….so here goes.

I turned 23 in January. Not a significant Birthday but for some reason or another I felt different. I felt mature and capable. I doubt my feeling this way sometimes because well, frankly, I really am not all that mature. However, events that transpired last week with some friends have me feeling otherwise.

They say women mature faster than men. Maybe thats what has happened. I have matured faster than many of my guy friends. Lets keep it at that.

I know that growing up and getting older is inevitable but sometimes I wish it weren’t so. I wish there were a way to freeze time and to stay right here, forever. Now that is a silly idea but sometimes I wish for one moment to be frozen in time and not emerge again until I know what it is I am tryin to accomplish in my life.

I have some huge news for you in the blog world soon. So stay tuned. Until then…

Peach Tea Dreams and Southern Wishes,

L

In light of it all, maybe I don’t really know whats going on…. December 16, 2007

If there is one thing in life that I pride myself in knowing about it is Southern Politics. One would come to believe if you talked to me that I was somewhat of a skilled master in that department. So, for the fun of it this semester, I took a course entitled, you guessed it, Southern Politics. After working in politics as well as my years of living in the South I felt I knew everything there was about this particular subject. Then I realized I didn’t know quite as much as I had hoped and thought I would be able to wing the first test and studied very little. Looking back now, I do beleive I should have taken a little bit more initiative with that first test. I have my final in a few hours and with this particular part of the course being on more modern politics (1960s – Present) I find myself fairly ready for this test. The 2nd test I had yet to take. I was sick on the day of that test and need to take it, whether or not my prof will let me is another story. Time will tell. I just hope that the one thing I love most in life isn’t the one thing to bring me down this semester. MY life is Southern Politics. Come on now, Just ask…I promise I don’t bite…..til later on….

L

Whoa. Is that Snow!? November 24, 2007

Well the past week or so has been eventful to say the least. I came home last weekend for a few reasons. A) I didn’t feel like chillaxin at school…there is nothing even semi interesting that goes on during weekends. B) I wanted to catch up on sleep (and shopping) and C) I just didn’t feel like dealing with stupid people all weekend. I deal enough with them during the week.

Well, with Thanksging Break starting tuesday after my night class I figured I would get to hang with the bestest at some point this week. We haven’t had much fun in a while…she is always working and im at school. Last night we tried to hang with her friend B. Turns out she just wanted to get drunk and fuck this kid. So i dipped out. She drove with them to GC. YES, she f-ing drove drunk. The police followed her home. Apparently nothing happened. She just sent me a message saying she was nervous and stuff. I don’t feel sorry for her. If she is going to keep drinking and driving her ass deserves to be pulled over. Its not smart. If your dumbass is tryin to have sex (mostly unprotected….no wonder she has a kid…and have I mentioned this kid she was trying to hook up with was freakin 18…yea….) don’t get drunk then DRIVE his ass to GC.

I ran my first 5K on Thanksgiving. It was the Turkey Trot. I ran the first mile, walked the next mile and little bit, then ran the last mile. So 3.2 miles later, my time was 46:48. That isn’t BAD. But its not fabulous. Considering I walked part of it, its ok. My bubber and seestar were supposed to run with but dipped out last minute. I got a medal and a pretty sweet t-shirt tho.

The Siblings turned 18 yesterday (they are triplets) and Im pretty sure it was uneventful for them. I gave them all voter registration papers for their birfday because Im the political nerd.

On the love front, Im going to grow some balls and finally tell N how I feel. Im not fooling anyone and if I tell him (or write out what im going to tell him) I might have a better chance of finally moving on.

Talked to B yesterday. He said he was feeling down. Not depressed down, just not peppy and estatic. Which is weird. I really want to hang with him soon. Its been too long. I need a fix.

Im going to catch up on my ABC dramas. I didn’t get to see Men In Trees last week, so Im going to watch that, Samantha Who?, Grey’s, Ugly, and this weeks Men In Trees.

Oh yea. Im going back to Israel. In June. and I have to be in DC at the first of the year. I have a 6am flight to DC on New Years. Not sure how thrilled I am with that. Oh well. Keeps me from getting drunk.

Have a great Saturday!

 L

ps. ecrivain … I sometimes think she is in my brain. kinda weird. not gonna lie. I was just talking last night to B about cliques and being different that the norm. nutso. but its fun.

rants of frustration November 13, 2007

I just want to get a few things off of my chest. I have a lot of unwanted drama in my life.

Boys suck. Why can’t there be one boy. One boy I want. Is that really too much to ask for. Seriously.

I don’t know what to do anymore. Its like I think my life is working out the way I had hoped for and then next thing I know its coming crashing down around me.

 Maybe I just need to let go. But how do you let go with so much love  history….

But how do you do that with so much love

L

‘God is in the rain’ November 6, 2007

 Happy Guy Fawkes Day!!! Go watch V for Vendetta and enjoy the simple things in life…. 

A friend and I, unbeknownst to either of us, have both decided to suddenly take up running/working out. He on Sat. and myself on Sunday. Its quite the odd comodity that we would both randomly feel the need to start being more active.

I called B on my way out of the SAC this evening around 6:45 only to find he was just walking out of the gym. This startled me as it startled him to learn I too was walking out of the gym from my running. It made me giggle.

He posed an interesting question to me. What is my definition of being fit? After a few hours of pondering I have ruled out some things that cross many peoples minds. Here is my current list.

1. Being fit does not mean being stick thin. Personally, I would look quite odd super super skinny. I have pretty broad shoulders and wide hips. I would be very unproportional if that happened.

2. Being fit does not mean making myself sick. I am not going to start myself and force myself to be sick just to loose weight. It does not make any sense. I don’t even allow myself to puke when I really am sick. Why in the world would I make myself puke when I don’t have to!

3. Being fit does not mean I am doing this for anyone. Im doing this because I want to. Because I want to do something good for me. I am always doing things for everyone else but rarely do something just for me. This is one thing I am doing totally for me.

B asked another question. He asked what my ultimate goal was. I told him exactly what I thought at that exact moment. I have no idea. I do know that I want to be able to run long distances without wanting to pass out. I want to go shopping and by a smaller size. I want to feel good about myself.

So obviously I have a long way to go but I am excited about this journey I am starting. I will periodically tally up the miles I have been running and maybe be able to look back at this in March and be proud of my acomplishments!

Until then, I will listen to the soothing sounds of the rain falling on a cool fall night and drift into a place where I become more of who I want to be….

L

Who knew majoring in something would be so relevant to life November 5, 2007

History has a way of repeating itself whether we want it to or not. It just up and decides, Hey! Lets do this again and see if she will do any better this go around! As a Political Science/History Major in College, this is the one thing that stands true. Whether its war, politics, or love it all repeats itself in a sometimes vicious cycle….

Just when you think that life isn’t as complicated, it turns for the worst. And by worst I mean the worst complication that I have ever gotten myself into. Its really not that bad once I put it into perspective, however.

I have a TRIANGLE. No, lets call it a SQUARE. It was a TRIANGLE but now its a SQUARE. I will give you the background so as to show you why the change in geometric figures. I have these friends N,B,and G. We have been best friends for as long as I can remember during college. I first started out being friends with G, which lead to being friends with N and then B. For the longest time everything was fine and we had tons of fun. N and B graduated and it was just me and G. I would take turns hanging with each and at times 2 and on the rare occaision all 3. It got to the point that one would be jealous of another if I hung out with one and not the other. Now, I am by no means complaining that my friends want to hang out with me so much. BUT. I think now is a good time to mention that all 3 (N,G, and B)are guys.

I have a history. I had liked N for the 3 years we were in college together. I also believe that he in turn liked me. But due to the perpetual TRIANGLE of our friendship it was always a flirtacious act or smile that kept the fire going. Nothing ver happened. No Kissing. No Sex. Just us hanging out, being awkwardly ourselves. He paid for outings. He always called. He was the perfect guy right? Not so much. Our political stances and our identical personalities however always caused an explosion. Myself being of more of a leftward leaning and him being more right-leaning always caused for more drama than necessary. A friendly conversation always ended up with one of us being deflated, mad, and clamed up. Normally that person was me. There were times that for months I would simply not speak to him. He still called, he still hung out with friends when I was there. I was cordial. It wasn’t the arguements that caused my silence. It was the fact that for 3 years of my life I had not dated. Anytime I tried, N would be in the back of my mind. It was like I was being plagued by the wishes that might become reality. Most guys at school wouldn’t try to date me simply because they thought we were together. It wasn’t until this past summer that I started dating. *see my first post for details* This was kept a secret from N and G. B was the first person to know about my dating M. It wasn’t for 2 weeks that I told N, mainly because I knew that all the free world would know within about 3 hours. This is where it becomes a SQUARE. N’s friend BH is one of my friends as well because we always all hang out together as a group. BH knew about my boyfriend. Once N found out BH had known for about 2 weeks, he got pretty mad. I think it was more of him getting mad at me for actually dating someone and turning my entire attention to someone other than him. But he soon got over this.

When I broke up with M, the first person I called was N. I knew he would be the person that would be there for me. And he was. This is where history starts repeating. We have hung out a ton and talk all the time. We have matured a lot and aren’t quite as childish in our arguing. But there is still that spark. Neither one of us have the balls or audacity to do anything about it. I can’t keep putting myself into these situations. Its not healthy and it seems like I am off the market. I am not. Im 100% single.

Maybe I will gain some courage and tell him. Im just afraid if I do, my SQUARE will become a dot. The SQUARE is my lifeline. Those  boys are 4 of my closest and best friends. A day doesn’t go by that I don’t talk to at least 2 if not all of them. So its not so complicated. Just something I need to think about for a while and let whatever happens, happen. I can’t keep trying to please everyone. I have to please myself first.

So yes,History repeats itself. If your lucky, you will have a second chance to make the best out of a situation. I just hope my second chance isn’t my last….

L

Never agree to run long distance when you are intoxicated…. November 5, 2007

So apparently in a drunken state after G’s Senior Recital I committed to running a marathon. Yes, a Marathon. 26.2 MILES. RUNNING.

Now, Im not one to go back on my word. Drunken or not. So as I was hanging out in my room today, I was telling the roommate about it. She runs. ALOT. Like, she is on the Cross Country and Track teams here and works for FLOTrack. She laughed at me and she said she hasn’t even run a marathon or even a half marathon. This made me feel loads better. Let me tell you. The girl who runs 5 and 6 K’s every weekend told me she wouldn’t ever run that many miles at once. But I have decided that it may be fun. Im going to start running at least 3 miles on the Eliptical and bike 5 miles every day. Just to start getting in shape. I think a few of us may run the 4 person relay marathon! I really want to run it because I want to run it in memory of K.  I think with him looking down on me, I can do it.

I started a little bit of conditioning today. I ran 3 miles on the eliptical and got bored. So I biked for 5 miles. After that I went to L’s to grab some food and hang for a few. We decided to play tennis. So for an hour and a half we played tennis with S and G. Afterwards S and I went for a run at the dam. We ran about a mile and a half and played with a cute kitty. We named her Lightening the Dam Kitty.

When I got back I talked to A for a while. I miss that boy. He lives in Boston and I never get to see him. I told him how I would have my friend B’s *Jew Babies* if I could. He reminded me that I was going to have his *Jew Babies* as well. I then proceeded to call me a *Jew Baby Factory* and before he realized what he had said we both erupted into laughter. Just like this past summer. Working for THE LOBBY might have been one of my favorite things ever. I have never met so mant amazing people that would change my life so much.

Speaking of THE LOBBY, I talked with C today who runs Marathons. Im trying to get him to come to TN to run it with me. He may! He is running 10 Marathons next year and has only signed up for 4 so far. I really hope he does. Having him and his GF down would be tons of fun! I always enjoy it when my friends from THE LOBBY come to visit!

Well, thats all I have on updates right now. Maybe I will be able to update more on some stuff tomorrow. Until then….

L

the confusion of the constant norm October 31, 2007

I just don’t understand people. If there was somethign that I could understand more, it would be people. One thing I LOVE to do when I am in Washington,DC is people watch. I will go and sit on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial and just watch the different types of people coming and going in my favorite city. I guess you could say I am a people watcher. This summer it was my favorite thing to do on a weekend(besides reading of course).

But there are some people I just don’t understand. Like my friend AC. They have decided that all of a sudden we are no longer friends. HOWEVER, they are constantly trying to talk to me online or in txts. I don’t understand. If they said we are no longer friends, why do they think that they can just assume I want to talk to them. I mean, seriously, be my friend or don’t. Your reasoning for not being my friend is a ridiculously selfish and childish move. The ball is in their court.

Another friend has taken it upon himself to tell people that we are now in a relationship. Last time I checked, I was still single and if I am in a relationship I want to have a say in the deciding voice that it is an official relationship. What is awkward about the situation is that we have only met once. We talk online and on the phone and such, however, stalking me does not constitute as a relationship. When you see me with MY friends whom you happen to know but do not talk to me does not give you the right to determine my relationship status. Thats just a very odd situation. It is confusing and I am not so much of a fan.

My life gets weirder and weirder. One of my best friends, B, has found it upon himself to tell me that he would like to have sex with me (but not in this said way….normally involves *going around back and fucking my brains out*, etc). Its an odd conversation for sure. This guy is my BEST FRIEND. This makes it very weird and very strange to talk to him during these periods of conversation. At first I just shrugged it off and figured it was said in a drunken state(even thought both parties were completely sober) but soon realized that it would be a reoccuring conversation. One that at one point he said “Guys always want what they can’t have. It sucks.” Im not sure how to take situations like this because frankly most of the ones I have like this involve alcohol. It just seems odd to me that completely sober a very very good friend says things like this. Its complicated. I never know what to say and just try not to put my foot in my mouth. It usually ends up ok but Im afraid it won’t one day. I can’t risk the relationship I have with this guy and our friends. Yet if there is something there, I don’t want to regret it one day thinking what if.

This is a lot of confusion of people. Maybe I should just not think about any of this for a few days and see how it ends up. Im sure that with some time everything will work out just fine and that everything will fall into place.

more later.

L

Candy corn dreams and peach tea wishes October 25, 2007

What is it about candy corn in October that makes me actually enjoy Fall?

I have never enjoyed Spring nor Fall due to the cycle of things living and dying and the toll they play upon my sinuses. However, candy corn makes me stop and look at the beauty of the leaves around me. This year has been like that but with a slight difference in pace. The leaves have not changed as they normally do. I blame Global Warming, which does in fact exist — just visit Tennessee and the 80 degree weather we are having in late October, and the effect its playing on the environment.  Its like the normalities of Fall have ceased to exist and take a detour to who knows where.

I went to Big Stone Gap this weekend. Going there makes me forget everything bad that goes on in my life and the world. Its my safe place. I don’t live there, I never have, and probably never will.  I do have many relatives, stories, memories, and the simplicity of a town. There I have no worries of being judged or having to conform to the “real” world. There I can simply be. I realized this past summer that I live in the most amazing part of the world. I have small towns and yet I have cities right around the corner. Sure, there are many places like that, but none like living in the mountains of Appalachia.

Another amazing aspect of life is the addiction (or dependance rather) on Tea.  Not just ANY type of tea mind you, but, Sweet Tea (or in my case, Peachie Tea with EXTRA Peach).  After living for nearly 3 months somewhere other than where Sweet Tea is a way of life, I was shocked (perhaps a wave of comical wit would be entered here, as a literal term to shocked) back into life by none other than an  .86 cent Peachie Tea with Extra Peach from my beloved Pal’s. The closure to a summer of life lessons and ups and downs was something so simple yet so complex to the way of life that I am so accustomed. After one sip, all was right with the world.

 Oh how I wish it were that easy. To take a sip of tea or eat some candy corn. Life isn’t that easy.

This past weekend I have had some time to thing and reflect and come to some conclusions. There is a friend of mine (M) I have been friends with for quite some time. For the longest time he had been trying to get me to enter into a sort of relationship with him that after much deliberating and thinking I decided it would be a good idea. I had been hurt in the past and wasn’t really thrilled with him being able to have my heart in his hands like putty but figured if I was going to commit myself then I was going to commit myself completely, just in my own time. When finally coming to grounds with this budding relationship which had stemmed from a friendship over the years, I felt myself falling fast and hard. This is very uncharacteristic of me and I soon realized why. When you trust someone, you never expect to not trust them. You want to tcontiunue to trust them no matter what. In love this is a little bit different. You have to work hard for the relationship to work. It just doesn’t work when one person seems to love more than another and vice versa. That was something neither of us wanted to work for. With school, work, and extracurricular activies galore, it seemed more fitting to call it quits.

Perhaps this is what plagued my relationship, but I believe it was lack of communication and a small problem with immaturity. Love hurts. Thats just life, but, how we deal with the aftermath of the heartbreak is what makes us better.

So what did I realize? Im still kinda smitten and it is taking me some time to realize that I am better off right now. Maybe in the future our paths will cross again. A different time, a different day. In the meantime, I leave you with a quote from my favorite tv show “Men in Trees”….

“Sometimes, it’s not until a storm comes that things get unearthed; we get to see what’s underneath: the dark secrets and the truths that in the light of day, we keep hidden.

For some, the truth will make them feel closer; for others, it will make them more alone.

Pain will get uprooted — some pain still too deep to be seen by human eyes. But in time, as we replant ourselves, we will be thankful because, like the roots of a tree, it is what lies beneath that allows us to grow — together or apart.”
- Marin from Men In Trees