You know, I wonder sometimes if there is something wrong with me or even the way that I live my life. Then I have to stop and think. I am me and I am all I can be. However, it gets me down when my parents…namely my mother…continuously ride my back trying to make me into someone I am not. Don’t get me wrong here. I love my mother and she can be an amazing person when she wants to be. Im just tired of being treated like a tumor instead of the amaing person I truly am.

When your child achieves something great, something that they have worked hard for and finally attained, you should not say the following “Oh, I guess this gives you a reason to lose weight now doesn’t it.” For me to have my mother say this to me, after I called to tell her I was just elected by my peers to the highest statewide position mind you, makes me want to crawl up and cry. Everytime I think about how after every award or every honor I have recieved my mother always has something derogatory to say. Or better yet, compare me to my brothers and sisters. Now, my siblings are 18. I am 23. For her to degrade me to that level is uncanny to most people. However, what hurts the most is that in some of the most exciting times of my life she has something negative to say about me or my decisions. What I do is never enough or never good enough. If she wouldn’t compare me to herself, her friends kids, or even my siblings she would understand that what she says and how she acts is extremely out of line.

Lets take the current situation for exampe. I have accepted a job in as a Field Organizer in a battle state for a presidential campaign. Im getting paid, some cool new gadgets, gas and housing paid for, health insurance, as well as the most AMAZING experience of my life. Out of all the people in the US who they could have aquired to work for them, they picked me. While most parents would be jumping up and down at the thought of their child doing something they love with an offer like mine, my mother yelled. Not only did she yell but she screamed and threatened me. Mainly because I have chosen to have an opportunity that most people I know would kill for. She thinks that my taking a semester off of school will be the end of the world and that I will become a bum living in a box on Georgia Ave. Im not. It is a semester. Not 20 years. My major is political science and the best experience I can get is working on this campaign, this year. I will be miserable sitting in a classroom knowing that I had this opportunity and passed it up all because my mother wanted to dictate my life yet again.

This time its different. This time I am going to make my own decision and do what makes me happy. I have for too long tried to make her happy and quite frankly I give up. Nothing is good enough for her. Im not happy and Im not going to make myself into someone Im not just so my mother will stop complaining that I am a failure and “caused her so much pain.”

Really mother. What is this pain I have caused you. Because quite frankly, everyone else is proud of me and wishes nothing but the best for me. I may not have a diploma but I have achieved so much in the past 5 years that if you would just open your eyes to my hopes and dreams, you would see that. If you would just look around you and see the real truth and not your hidden disappointments, this wouldn’t be an issue. Even the BFF’s parents think everything I do is amazing and want the best for me, even when you don’t. They are always so awed and amazed that I am able to do so much and have so much at a young age. Sometimes I think some of my friends’ parents want me to succeed more than you do.

It makes me cry when I see mothers and daughters acting like normal mothers and daughters. Buying clothes, laughing, being friendly. My mother degrades me, makes fun of me, and even has the galls to call me fat and a failure in front of her, as well as my own, friends. Does she not realize that everytime that happens I die inside? I want to crawl in the biggest hole and wait for someone to cover me up. When you make someone that vulnerable its hard to open up to anything. I am not taking it anymore. I have to draw a line somewhere. Its not condusive to my life at all. EK’s parents have always been like a second set of parents to me and all of her friends. They pray for us and wish us the best in everything and are always so proud when one of us does something remarkable with our lives. I just wish mine were the same.

I am not my sister. I do not look like her, I do not act like her, I am not your “caring child” like her. I never will be.

I am not my brothers. I am not a computer whiz or the best runner. I am not your favorite or your baby. I never will be.

I am the best that I can be.I am going to do great things and visit great places. I am going to treat life with a sense of awe because everyday something happens that makes me stop and think just how fabulous it really is.  I am going to run for office and change the world. I am going to love my life and the people in it. I am an amazing person. I am not you. I never will be.

“Shadow”I was six years old
When my parents went away
I was stuck inside a broken life
I couldn’t wish away
She was beautiful
She had everything and more
And my escape was hiding out and running for the doorSomebody listen please
It used to be so hard being me
Living in the shadow
Of someone else’s dream
Trying to find a hand to hold but every touch felt cold to me
Living in a nightmare
A never-ending sleep
But now that I am wide awake
My chains are finally free
Don’t feel sorry for me

All the days collided
One less perfect than the next
I was stuck inside someone else’s life and always second best
Oh, I love you now ’cause now I realize
That it’s safe outside to come alive in my identity

So if you’re listening
There’s so much more to me you haven’t seen
Living in the shadow
Of someone else’s dream
Trying to find a hand to hold but every touch felt cold to me
Living in a nightmare
A never-ending sleep
But now that I am wide awake
Then I can finally see
Don’t feel sorry for me-

Mother, sister, father, sister, mother
Everything’s cool now
Mother, sister, father, sister, mother
Everything’s cool now
Oh, my life is good
I’ve got more than anyone should
Oh, my life is good
And the past is in the past

I was living in the shadow
Of someone else’s dream
Trying to find a hand to hold but every touch felt cold to me
I’m living in a new day
I’m living it for me
And now that I am wide awake
Then I can finally see
So don’t feel sorry for me
Don’t feel sorry, don’t feel sorry for me
Don’t feel sorry, don’t feel sorry for me

Living in, living in, living in the shadow
Living in, living in, living in a new day

so since I just got back from Israel, I know I owe you all a post. Buuuut. Im a busy girl…social functions are calling my name..promise to update soon!

Kisses!

L

How can one persons life be effected so much by a movie? I just saw the Sex and The City movie and I have realized just how Miranda my life has become. If I were to live a little and let something happen that I never thought possible, I wonder if it would finally make me realize what I am missing out on. I deserve to be be happy, and I am, but I always feel like something is missing. I want to start living my life not worrying about the what ifs.

My friend R is always sending me text messages normally that say, “Hey Hottie, whats up?” and 8 times out of 10 he is drinking. But what is strange to me is that for 3 1/2 years of college he sat next to me in every class we had together. The texts and our friendship didn’t REALLY start until he graduated. I mean, we were friends in class. Mainly just the whole hey, how is life…insert comedy and wit here….blah blah…lets study…bullshit of college. Now its the, hey, lets hang out soon because I miss you and need someone to hang with.

My life is so hectic and chaotic at times that I forget to have a life. I forget that I can’t please everyone and that I need to let loose and have some fun. Its gotten to the point I had the schedule a makeout date. I have officially become the spinster of my graduating class. At least it would give them something to talk about in a few years. 

So for the rest of the year I am just going to live and let be. Seems like a good plan…what do ya think?

L

Sometimes I think people know they are going to die before they do so. They just have this feeling that something isn’t right and that they can’t fullfill an obligation so they call to tell you so you will not have to depend on them if they don’t make it. Sometimes I wish that we could all live forever…but im sure after a while we would get tired of one another.

This happened to a really close family friend and church member yesterday. We got a call from CM yesterday afternoon to tell dad that he wasn’t going to be at church on sunday and needed for dad to take over for him. We got a call this morning that he died this morning. It was an almost surreal thing. He seriously just called dad last night. But he had really bad heart problems and it finally gave in.

Im not sure if I should mourn or not. He lives a great life and was truly a Godly inspiration. Everyone loved him and looked up to him. My dad especially. Dad doesn’t know yet. He wasn’t here when we got the call. Of course I was the one that had to answer the phone call from PP. Life can hit you pretty hard sometimes.

But for now Im going to remember the great man he was and know that he is kickin it with Jesus. You know…they are probably talking about how he can help with Sunday School…..

CM
RIP…5/10/08

I have an addiction. PostSecret is something I check EVERY sunday morning. USually there are a TON I can relate too but none quite as true as the following one. Its something that I have dreamed about since I was a little girl. Its not that I dont like her. I really do! Its just that I have a selfish dream to go down in history as the 1st female President.

Thats all I have for right now.

I keep wondering if my life is ever going to turn out the way I think that it should. I mean, I know what I WANT to do but I don’t know how that works into what I NEED to do.

I have so many things that I want. I want them right now. Still, none of them seem to be happening for me right now. It is almost like my life is at a standstill.

Im not complaining. My life is FABULOUS. Really. There are just things that other people my age have or are doing and sometimes I want those things too. I know thats not something I should be doing but at the same time its part of being human. Wanting what we can’t have…in this case….at this period of time. Its somthing that we have to wait patiently on I suspect.

So im not giving up. Im just giving in. Giving in to the fact that my life is mine to lead and its the best it can be. I don’t need to have the things other people have to make me happy. Damnit. I am happy!

Virtues….eh..who needs ‘em!

L

Dear M,

DAMN YOU! You are a fucktard and I hope you realize that someday someone is going to treat you the way you have treated me. And unlike me, you won’t be able to realize that that person is a douchbag and doesn’t deserve you. I know that I do not deserve you and that you will NEVER been good enough for me.

Pretending to be the victim isn’t going to make anyone feel sorry for you. You are the only one who caused this mess and you can’t blame me. I got out loooooooong ago but you kept stringing me along like a fucking violin trying to convince me that I had made a mistake. The only mistake I made was dating you in the first place. I sure as HELL wasn’t going to do it again. Did you actually think I would give you a second chance???? Second chances never matter, people never change.

Well guess what. I have been done for a looooong time and you my friend are a complete asshole for thinking that I would feel sorry for you. Because every single time you go without speaking to me you have some sob story about how you have been in the hospital or some bullshit story. EVERY SINGLE TIME. maybe it might have worked once. But 5 times? Really buddy. get a clue. I have caught on to your ways. I am not by any means one of those stupid girls you have casually dated before. I know things you would never ever think I know about.

I deserve better than you. I think in reality I have known that for a long time. I need someone who is going to treat me the way I should be treated. Someone who isn’t going to flake out when you need them. Who will be there to lift me up instead of try to bring me down. Someone who doens’t act like a stupid baby. I deserve all these things and someday someone is going to be these things and more. I want you to know that it will NOT be you. I am better than all of this. and I am better than you.

 Sincerely,

THE BEST DAMN THING THAT WILL EVER HAPPEN TO YOU

What bothers me most about my life is that I try too hard. I try too do too many things and I end up stressing myself out. For the past week I have had soooooooo much to do. Whether it was something to do with College Dems, Planning an Israel @ 60 event, day-to-day drama of my life, or the craziness dealing with the school I have been SWAMPED. I end up doing so many things for other people that most of the time I forget I have to take care of myself too. I was talking with B a few weeks ago and he mentioned he was tired of being superman and was ready to just be B. I can relate to that. My first thought was the theme song from Scrubs.

Lazlo Bane’s Im No Superman
Well I know what I’ve been told
Gotta break free to break the mold
But I can’t do this all on my own
No I can’t do this all on my own
I know that I’m no Superman
I’m no Superman

When I look at my life from the perspective of a passerby it looks as if im living the dream. To the average passerby, I have an AMAZING life. But, thats not really the case. Yes my life is pretty amazing but there are dark parts to it as well. I have to deal with the constant bickering of my mother telling me I am a fatass, my friends being shady and bailing on me, the constant of boys begging me for my sisters number instead of them begging her for mine, and the lack of confidence around boys that most people think I have.

Im ready for things to be different. I am going to take today to start things over. I am ready to stop being superman and just be me. Too bad life isn’t that easy….but I can escape and not tell a soul where I am going.

I have been thinking alot about things lately. For starters, I seem to have a plethora of guy friends. Yet. Im still single. Maybe its because of these said guys that I am still single. Most people seem to think im dating N or B but in reality im not. B is my best friend and I don’t know if I would want to risk that to date him…even if he were interested. I need to find someone who fits me and can deal with me and understand my crazy tendencies. I need someone who isn’t perfect but who I can love perfectly. Somone who will be there for me when I need them to the most. Most of all I need someone who will still want to date me when I am in a crummy mood, when I feel bad, and when I just want to be alone. Im sure someone out there is like that for me. I seriously thought M was. I still think M might be. Its just that we are in such different places in our lives. Ive grown up. I can’t deal with the childish escapades of everyone else. I have responsibilities now…to myself and to other people.

If I were to write a letter to him…this is what it might say:

M, We have been friends for a long time and have seen some good and bad times together over the past 3 or 4 years. I can’t throw that away and I know you can’t either. Im tired of pretending that I dont care because quite frankly thats my problem. I do care. Sometimes I wonder if I care too much. I know that the september situation was crappy and most of it I wish I could go back and do over. However, the past is the past and Im not one to live with regrets. Its just not something I can do because I have too much to look to the future with. Whatever that future is, I need you to be a part of that somehow. I know that over the past few months you felt like I was letting you slip through the cracks. Maybe I wanted that to happen. Im not sure if you truely understood just how much I was hurt during that ordeal. I really dont’ expect you to really. I have this problem that whenever I do something or get involved with something I put my whole heart into it. Whether its relationships, college dems, Israel, etc….I give my all and sometimes it means getting hurt. I mean. Maybe it was just bad timing and we were in two different places in life but I know that if the situations were different it would have worked and would still be working today. I guess what im trying to say is that I never did stop loving you and I know I never will. Its like I can’t quit you. I live by the rule If you love someone tell them because hearts are often broken by words left unspoken. But I have said some crap that I probably shouldn’t and broken my share of hearts. So I think im going to leave this up to you for now. I know your busy and I know that you don’t have time for half the stuff that goes on in your world but thats life. I feel the same way most of the time…so whenever you want, if you want you can email me or whatever when ya have some free time. I miss talking to you cuz you always made me giggle even when I didn’t feel like giggling. I hope you have a great day-week-month-whatever….just remember to think of the planes at Boomsday with the Ron Paul signs…;) L

but I mean. Im not sending him an email. maybe I will. for shits and giggles. string him along then cut him down. baha. im not a bitch by any means… O:-)

 L

I am in a really foul mood. Its 11:15 at night and jsut 30 minutes ago I was in a great mood. I had an amazing day with A. We went on a huge adventure and had an amazing time. Then came back to her apt and watched Love Actually and 13 going on 30. Maybe thats my problem. I have had an overdose of chickflicks. Lets just leave it at that.

I got an odd text message a few minutes ago. apparentlyI am confusing and complex. well. perhaps I am that way to this certain individual for a reason. I wonder if they thought about that.