I guess patience isn’t a virtue I possess…. April 30, 2008

I keep wondering if my life is ever going to turn out the way I think that it should. I mean, I know what I WANT to do but I don’t know how that works into what I NEED to do.

I have so many things that I want. I want them right now. Still, none of them seem to be happening for me right now. It is almost like my life is at a standstill.

Im not complaining. My life is FABULOUS. Really. There are just things that other people my age have or are doing and sometimes I want those things too. I know thats not something I should be doing but at the same time its part of being human. Wanting what we can’t have…in this case….at this period of time. Its somthing that we have to wait patiently on I suspect.

So im not giving up. Im just giving in. Giving in to the fact that my life is mine to lead and its the best it can be. I don’t need to have the things other people have to make me happy. Damnit. I am happy!

Virtues….eh..who needs ‘em!

L

Don’t play games with Bitches who can play them better. April 22, 2008

Dear M,

DAMN YOU! You are a fucktard and I hope you realize that someday someone is going to treat you the way you have treated me. And unlike me, you won’t be able to realize that that person is a douchbag and doesn’t deserve you. I know that I do not deserve you and that you will NEVER been good enough for me.

Pretending to be the victim isn’t going to make anyone feel sorry for you. You are the only one who caused this mess and you can’t blame me. I got out loooooooong ago but you kept stringing me along like a fucking violin trying to convince me that I had made a mistake. The only mistake I made was dating you in the first place. I sure as HELL wasn’t going to do it again. Did you actually think I would give you a second chance???? Second chances never matter, people never change.

Well guess what. I have been done for a looooong time and you my friend are a complete asshole for thinking that I would feel sorry for you. Because every single time you go without speaking to me you have some sob story about how you have been in the hospital or some bullshit story. EVERY SINGLE TIME. maybe it might have worked once. But 5 times? Really buddy. get a clue. I have caught on to your ways. I am not by any means one of those stupid girls you have casually dated before. I know things you would never ever think I know about.

I deserve better than you. I think in reality I have known that for a long time. I need someone who is going to treat me the way I should be treated. Someone who isn’t going to flake out when you need them. Who will be there to lift me up instead of try to bring me down. Someone who doens’t act like a stupid baby. I deserve all these things and someday someone is going to be these things and more. I want you to know that it will NOT be you. I am better than all of this. and I am better than you.

 Sincerely,

THE BEST DAMN THING THAT WILL EVER HAPPEN TO YOU

Im no superman… April 12, 2008

What bothers me most about my life is that I try too hard. I try too do too many things and I end up stressing myself out. For the past week I have had soooooooo much to do. Whether it was something to do with College Dems, Planning an Israel @ 60 event, day-to-day drama of my life, or the craziness dealing with the school I have been SWAMPED. I end up doing so many things for other people that most of the time I forget I have to take care of myself too. I was talking with B a few weeks ago and he mentioned he was tired of being superman and was ready to just be B. I can relate to that. My first thought was the theme song from Scrubs.

Lazlo Bane’s Im No Superman
Well I know what I’ve been told
Gotta break free to break the mold
But I can’t do this all on my own
No I can’t do this all on my own
I know that I’m no Superman
I’m no Superman

When I look at my life from the perspective of a passerby it looks as if im living the dream. To the average passerby, I have an AMAZING life. But, thats not really the case. Yes my life is pretty amazing but there are dark parts to it as well. I have to deal with the constant bickering of my mother telling me I am a fatass, my friends being shady and bailing on me, the constant of boys begging me for my sisters number instead of them begging her for mine, and the lack of confidence around boys that most people think I have.

Im ready for things to be different. I am going to take today to start things over. I am ready to stop being superman and just be me. Too bad life isn’t that easy….but I can escape and not tell a soul where I am going.