I have been thinking alot about things lately. For starters, I seem to have a plethora of guy friends. Yet. Im still single. Maybe its because of these said guys that I am still single. Most people seem to think im dating N or B but in reality im not. B is my best friend and I don’t know if I would want to risk that to date him…even if he were interested. I need to find someone who fits me and can deal with me and understand my crazy tendencies. I need someone who isn’t perfect but who I can love perfectly. Somone who will be there for me when I need them to the most. Most of all I need someone who will still want to date me when I am in a crummy mood, when I feel bad, and when I just want to be alone. Im sure someone out there is like that for me. I seriously thought M was. I still think M might be. Its just that we are in such different places in our lives. Ive grown up. I can’t deal with the childish escapades of everyone else. I have responsibilities now…to myself and to other people.
If I were to write a letter to him…this is what it might say:
M, We have been friends for a long time and have seen some good and bad times together over the past 3 or 4 years. I can’t throw that away and I know you can’t either. Im tired of pretending that I dont care because quite frankly thats my problem. I do care. Sometimes I wonder if I care too much. I know that the september situation was crappy and most of it I wish I could go back and do over. However, the past is the past and Im not one to live with regrets. Its just not something I can do because I have too much to look to the future with. Whatever that future is, I need you to be a part of that somehow. I know that over the past few months you felt like I was letting you slip through the cracks. Maybe I wanted that to happen. Im not sure if you truely understood just how much I was hurt during that ordeal. I really dont’ expect you to really. I have this problem that whenever I do something or get involved with something I put my whole heart into it. Whether its relationships, college dems, Israel, etc….I give my all and sometimes it means getting hurt. I mean. Maybe it was just bad timing and we were in two different places in life but I know that if the situations were different it would have worked and would still be working today. I guess what im trying to say is that I never did stop loving you and I know I never will. Its like I can’t quit you. I live by the rule If you love someone tell them because hearts are often broken by words left unspoken. But I have said some crap that I probably shouldn’t and broken my share of hearts. So I think im going to leave this up to you for now. I know your busy and I know that you don’t have time for half the stuff that goes on in your world but thats life. I feel the same way most of the time…so whenever you want, if you want you can email me or whatever when ya have some free time. I miss talking to you cuz you always made me giggle even when I didn’t feel like giggling. I hope you have a great day-week-month-whatever….just remember to think of the planes at Boomsday with the Ron Paul signs…;) L
but I mean. Im not sending him an email. maybe I will. for shits and giggles. string him along then cut him down. baha. im not a bitch by any means… O:-)
L
