the confusion of the constant norm October 31, 2007

I just don’t understand people. If there was somethign that I could understand more, it would be people. One thing I LOVE to do when I am in Washington,DC is people watch. I will go and sit on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial and just watch the different types of people coming and going in my favorite city. I guess you could say I am a people watcher. This summer it was my favorite thing to do on a weekend(besides reading of course).

But there are some people I just don’t understand. Like my friend AC. They have decided that all of a sudden we are no longer friends. HOWEVER, they are constantly trying to talk to me online or in txts. I don’t understand. If they said we are no longer friends, why do they think that they can just assume I want to talk to them. I mean, seriously, be my friend or don’t. Your reasoning for not being my friend is a ridiculously selfish and childish move. The ball is in their court.

Another friend has taken it upon himself to tell people that we are now in a relationship. Last time I checked, I was still single and if I am in a relationship I want to have a say in the deciding voice that it is an official relationship. What is awkward about the situation is that we have only met once. We talk online and on the phone and such, however, stalking me does not constitute as a relationship. When you see me with MY friends whom you happen to know but do not talk to me does not give you the right to determine my relationship status. Thats just a very odd situation. It is confusing and I am not so much of a fan.

My life gets weirder and weirder. One of my best friends, B, has found it upon himself to tell me that he would like to have sex with me (but not in this said way….normally involves *going around back and fucking my brains out*, etc). Its an odd conversation for sure. This guy is my BEST FRIEND. This makes it very weird and very strange to talk to him during these periods of conversation. At first I just shrugged it off and figured it was said in a drunken state(even thought both parties were completely sober) but soon realized that it would be a reoccuring conversation. One that at one point he said “Guys always want what they can’t have. It sucks.” Im not sure how to take situations like this because frankly most of the ones I have like this involve alcohol. It just seems odd to me that completely sober a very very good friend says things like this. Its complicated. I never know what to say and just try not to put my foot in my mouth. It usually ends up ok but Im afraid it won’t one day. I can’t risk the relationship I have with this guy and our friends. Yet if there is something there, I don’t want to regret it one day thinking what if.

This is a lot of confusion of people. Maybe I should just not think about any of this for a few days and see how it ends up. Im sure that with some time everything will work out just fine and that everything will fall into place.

more later.

L

Candy corn dreams and peach tea wishes October 25, 2007

What is it about candy corn in October that makes me actually enjoy Fall?

I have never enjoyed Spring nor Fall due to the cycle of things living and dying and the toll they play upon my sinuses. However, candy corn makes me stop and look at the beauty of the leaves around me. This year has been like that but with a slight difference in pace. The leaves have not changed as they normally do. I blame Global Warming, which does in fact exist — just visit Tennessee and the 80 degree weather we are having in late October, and the effect its playing on the environment.  Its like the normalities of Fall have ceased to exist and take a detour to who knows where.

I went to Big Stone Gap this weekend. Going there makes me forget everything bad that goes on in my life and the world. Its my safe place. I don’t live there, I never have, and probably never will.  I do have many relatives, stories, memories, and the simplicity of a town. There I have no worries of being judged or having to conform to the “real” world. There I can simply be. I realized this past summer that I live in the most amazing part of the world. I have small towns and yet I have cities right around the corner. Sure, there are many places like that, but none like living in the mountains of Appalachia.

Another amazing aspect of life is the addiction (or dependance rather) on Tea.  Not just ANY type of tea mind you, but, Sweet Tea (or in my case, Peachie Tea with EXTRA Peach).  After living for nearly 3 months somewhere other than where Sweet Tea is a way of life, I was shocked (perhaps a wave of comical wit would be entered here, as a literal term to shocked) back into life by none other than an  .86 cent Peachie Tea with Extra Peach from my beloved Pal’s. The closure to a summer of life lessons and ups and downs was something so simple yet so complex to the way of life that I am so accustomed. After one sip, all was right with the world.

 Oh how I wish it were that easy. To take a sip of tea or eat some candy corn. Life isn’t that easy.

This past weekend I have had some time to thing and reflect and come to some conclusions. There is a friend of mine (M) I have been friends with for quite some time. For the longest time he had been trying to get me to enter into a sort of relationship with him that after much deliberating and thinking I decided it would be a good idea. I had been hurt in the past and wasn’t really thrilled with him being able to have my heart in his hands like putty but figured if I was going to commit myself then I was going to commit myself completely, just in my own time. When finally coming to grounds with this budding relationship which had stemmed from a friendship over the years, I felt myself falling fast and hard. This is very uncharacteristic of me and I soon realized why. When you trust someone, you never expect to not trust them. You want to tcontiunue to trust them no matter what. In love this is a little bit different. You have to work hard for the relationship to work. It just doesn’t work when one person seems to love more than another and vice versa. That was something neither of us wanted to work for. With school, work, and extracurricular activies galore, it seemed more fitting to call it quits.

Perhaps this is what plagued my relationship, but I believe it was lack of communication and a small problem with immaturity. Love hurts. Thats just life, but, how we deal with the aftermath of the heartbreak is what makes us better.

So what did I realize? Im still kinda smitten and it is taking me some time to realize that I am better off right now. Maybe in the future our paths will cross again. A different time, a different day. In the meantime, I leave you with a quote from my favorite tv show “Men in Trees”….

“Sometimes, it’s not until a storm comes that things get unearthed; we get to see what’s underneath: the dark secrets and the truths that in the light of day, we keep hidden.

For some, the truth will make them feel closer; for others, it will make them more alone.

Pain will get uprooted — some pain still too deep to be seen by human eyes. But in time, as we replant ourselves, we will be thankful because, like the roots of a tree, it is what lies beneath that allows us to grow — together or apart.”
- Marin from Men In Trees